


always tired; but never of you

by LeotheLionathefootofOrion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, CFS/ME, Chronic Illness, Friends to Lovers, Human AU, M/M, Some reference to suicide, fitness instructor!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-01 09:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12701733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeotheLionathefootofOrion/pseuds/LeotheLionathefootofOrion
Summary: Gabriel has been suffering from CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) for seven years. With no job and few friends, he dedicates what energy he has to making the lives of his fellow sufferers a little more bearable. He's pretty damn miserable and feels like he's spinning his wheels and going absolutely nowhere.Then Sam Winchester crashes into his life and shows him that it isn't over yet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everyone. Thanks for being here!
> 
> This fic started out as something of a therapy session for me. I've been a CFS/ME sufferer for almost three years now, and I wanted to write something that might a) make me feel a bit better, and b) raise awareness for the condition. 
> 
> CFS/ME is a long term illness characterised by high fatigue, pain and sleep difficulties. Everyone's experience is different but I hope my portrait of the condition will be recognised by other sufferers.
> 
> For more information of CFS/ME, here are some links.  
> https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/chronic-fatigue-syndrome-cfs/ (The NHS info page)
> 
> https://www.actionforme.org.uk/ (UK charity, Action for ME).
> 
> If you'd like something to listen to while reading, I'd highly recommend Patience by Ren Gill, which can be found on most good music streaming services.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy reading this. Thank you.

Blog Post 74:

_Evening Everyone._

_It's been a long day - despite the fact that it's getting dark at around 17:30 and it's now acceptable to go to bed straight after the nine o'clock news. Okay, maybe it isn't acceptable, but I keep telling myself it is. I know some people suffer a lot in the wintertime with season effective disorder along with other things, but I've always enjoyed the darkness. Somehow it seems easier to cope with than the bright lights of summer._

_I didn't really get out of bed today because I was feeling so rough. I've talked a bit about pain in some of my other posts - I highly recommend checking them out if you haven't already (shameless self promotion. I can't help it!). Today was what I'd call a bad day: feet like lead, fire in the veins instead of blood, the usual horrific shit. I felt kind of bad for just lying there all day and not getting on with all the work I should be doing, but in the end I know it was for the best._

_Anyway! Onto brighter and better things! I'll be holding another live Q &A session this Friday (more details in a separate post), so start thinking of some questions and don't leave me hanging! Last session was a big success so I'm hoping we'll be able to raise some more interesting topics and lively debates._

_I'm going to leave this here for now because I'm completely exhausted and I need to try and get some sleep if I'm going to be any use to anyone on Friday! Take care of yourselves and see you soon._

_Gabriel_.

  
Gabriel rubbed his eyes and read through the post twice to check for mistakes before hitting the enter button and posting it to his blog. Satisfied, he switched off his laptop and placed it beside his bed to the floor. The light in the room was very dim and he liked it that way. When he closed his eyes he could see it, a comforting glow surrounding him. It made him feel just a little bit less alone.

He relaxed his body and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders, taking a few minutes for some slow breathing exercises. He was getting better at doing this, actually letting his body and mind relax rather than driving himself to the brink of collapse every day.

He felt loose and sleepy when he'd finished, and rolled onto his side. The painkillers he'd taken an hour ago had finally taken effect and everything was a pleasant haze of sleep and quiet. He was asleep in just a few short minutes. He'd wake up in a few hours feeling unrefreshed but at least the blissful hours of sleep were a rest from everything. He felt vaguely human once he'd woken up from a good sleep.

 

  
Gabriel pushed himself through the automatic doors of the community centre with one strong stroke of his arms. He often joked to the children he worked with that he should try to walk around on his arms rather than his legs since they were so much stronger. In truth, Gabriel's legs were a lot better than they had been just a year ago. Now he was able to walk around for short periods of time without the aid of a cane. He mostly chose to use his wheelchair though, simply because it reduced his exhaustion and now at least he was able to push it himself rather than relying on somebody else.

Charlie was waiting for him near the reception desk and she bent to kiss his cheek with a wide smile.  
"Hey Gabe! How's it going? You're looking well." She bubbled. Gabriel smiled widely and shrugged, wheeling alongside her as they made their way towards the elevator.

"Not too bad, thanks. The Q&A on Friday was pretty good, I had a lot of interest. And the blog's still going strong." He smiled up at her. "How's things with you and Gilda?"

Charlie blushed and shrugged bashfully as the elevator went up, taking them to their destination three floors up. "Pretty great actually. We've got tickets for a convention in DC in a few months which we're both looking forward to. We're doing our first couple's cosplay, so things are getting pretty serious!"

Gabriel smiled and pushed himself out of the elevator and towards the room where the group would be meeting. He wished he could be going with Charlie and her girlfriend, it had been a very long time since he'd been away for even a weekend. He'd almost forgotten what it felt like to go away from his home for more than a few hours.

Charlie had been Gabriel's carer in the worst stage of his illness, when he'd been getting barely a few hours of sleep per night and had been a complete physical wreck. In those days, walking had been impossible and just sitting up for long periods of time made his head want to explode. Charlie had been his good angel - he was one of the lucky few who could afford a sympathetic and expert nurse. She had become his best friend - possibly his only friend now, but he didn't like to dwell on that.

These days Gabriel took care of himself and lived a normal, though limited, life. He volunteered at the community centre every fortnight, supporting other people who were suffering with CFS/ME and who were going through the worst of it. Gabriel felt very lucky when he was with his group. He no longer felt completely redundant- more like an actual human being with a life to live.

They entered the room where many people were already waiting, sitting around on blue plastic chairs. They all looked up and broke into smiles as Gabriel came in. Gabriel couldn't help smiling in response as he wheeled into the centre of the circle.   
These support meetings were the light of his life in all honesty. He'd been ill for seven years, had no job and few friends. This was the one place where he was able to communicate with people who understood him and who he could actually help. He actually felt valuable.

"Hey everyone!" Gabriel grinned and waved to the group, receiving a chorus of joyful replies. Most of the people in the circle where CFS/ME sufferers, with a few carers dotted in with them. Most were teenagers or young adults - not as ill as they could be, but ill enough to suffer on a daily basis. Ill enough to need Gabriel's help.

"It's great to see you all again. It seems like ages since our last meeting, I'm glad you all decided to come back!"

 

  
The session went well, and by the time everyone was gone Gabriel was satisfied that he'd done a good job. He felt pretty exhausted, and told Charlie that he'd have a few minutes rest before heading home. She ruffled his hair and told him to take care of himself before hurrying off to meet Gilda for lunch.

Gabriel pulled off his soft black sweater and folded it, placing it on the table as a pillow then resting his head on it. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths in and out and just enjoying the quiet. The fitness class next door had just ended and the whole community centre was blissfully silent for once. He rested for a few minutes, trying his best to draw out some more energy. He'd need it to get himself home.

He wheeled himself out into the corridor and waited just outside the elevator, yawning quietly. He was just about to wheel himself in as the elevator arrived when he heard a shout from behind him. Turning, he saw what looked like a giraffe, covered in various pieces of fitness equipment. A medicine ball dropped from the mess and rolled towards Gabriel. He picked it up curiously.

"Are you committing a robbery? Because if I were you I'd steal the computers instead of the fitness stuff." He commented quietly. The giraffe panted and looked down at him. A basketball slipped slightly, revealing that the giraffe was in fact, a human being. If a very tall one at that.

"Not a robbery. I just have to carry all this junk downstairs. Thanks for holding the elevator by the way." The giant grinned and stepped into the elevator. Gabriel hesitated a moment, picked up the medicine ball from the floor and followed him in.

"You're Sam, right? The fitness guy?" He commented, and got an enthusiastic nod in response.

"And you're Gabriel, the CFS support group guy. I always see you on the schedule but we never seem to see each other in person. Isn't it weird that we've been in rooms next door to each other for a year but we've never met?" Sam asked with a smile. Gabriel couldn't help smiling back, this giraffe of a man was having a strange effect on him.

"I guess it is weird. Usually I leave a little earlier, but that session was particularly exhausting and I needed a few minutes to catch my breath."

"I sometimes wish I could come next door and join your group, you always sound like you're having so much fun. All the people in my group are so serious... But I guess that's middle aged moms for you." Sam laughed softly. Gabriel shook his head with a smile.

"Maybe we should join our groups together for a fitness class. CFS patients Vs middle aged moms, see who wins?" He suggest, smile turning into a smirk as Sam giggled.

"Now that is something I would pay good money to see!" Sam shook his head slightly. They were both still laughing when the elevator arrived down on at the reception.

"You want a hand with some of that stuff? You're not going to get it all in the cupboard by yourself." Gabriel asked. He really should be getting straight home, he'd be paying for this level of activity tomorrow anyway. But he liked Sam already, and felt like helping him out. Sam nodded gratefully and dropped a few items into Gabriel lap with a smile. Together they made their way to the equipment cupboard and stacked the stuff in carefully.

"Thanks for your help Gabriel. You've saved me a lot of pain." Sam grinned when they were finished and walking together back to the reception desk. "Do you fancy grabbing a coffee? I could use one after that second workout."

Gabriel hesitated. The sensible part of his head was telling to go home and go to bed, save himself a whole lot of physical and mental pain in the long term. But his heart... his heart reminded him that it had been years since he'd got coffee with somebody, just for fun. He liked Sam, Sam seemed to like him. So against his better judgement, he nodded.

  
Gabriel got two shots of espresso in his coffee, mostly because he really wanted to stay awake for this. They took a seat by the window, out of the way of where anyone might want to be walking. Sam was talking about his different fitness classes and some of the funny things that had happened in them, and Gabriel was laughing along with him, almost forgetting why he'd ever questioned doing this.

"What are your sessions like? And what do you get up to? I see your group coming out and they always look a whole lot happier that when they went in." Sam asked, taking a sip of his drink. Gabriel blushed and shrugged, picking at the wood of the table.

"I don't do much. I talk about myself mostly, as you can tell I'm basically just a massive egotist." Sam laughed and shook his head, and Gabriel continued with a wide smile. "I tell them stories, I try to make them laugh. Their lives are bad enough without having to feel miserable during a support group as well. The reason I set the group up was because I kept going along to all these groups and I wanted to kill myself more when I left than I did when I came in." He was joking, mostly. But his smile dropped a little.

"I don't want to bore you by talking about my illness, Sam. But it's... well, it sucks. If I can make their lives suck a little less by messing around and making them laugh, then I think that makes my life almost worth living."

Gabriel looked up from the table to find Sam's eyes fixed on his face. His face was tilted slightly into the light and for a moment, Gabriel's heart felt full enough to burst. He wanted to reach and grab Sam's hand because not since the day he fell ill, had somebody looked at him like that. There was no pity in those hazel eyes. Admiration, gentle curiosity... something else.

"I think that's amazing, Gabriel. Seriously." Sam whispered. His fingers brushed Gabriel's on the tabletop. Gabriel's hammering heart was ready to beat right out of his chest and he had to swallow down something in his throat.

"Not really." He mumbled in reply. His eyes dropped down to the table, unable to maintain the intensity of the eye contact any longer. He suddenly felt heavy all over.

 

  
"Will you be ok to get home?" Sam asked, walking slowly with Gabriel. His arms were feeling weak and he couldn't keep up his usual pace. He smiled briefly up at Sam, it was nice of him to ask.

"Yeah, I'll be ok. It's not far. Thanks for the coffee, it was really nice. I haven't done that for ages." He stopped and looked up at Sam. He was going to crash so hard when he got home, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Sam was doing something very strange to his mind.

"I'd like to do it again." Sam said, reaching his hand out to shake Gabriel's. His palm was large and warm, completely engulfing Gabriel's smaller hand. "Would that be... ok?"

Gabriel didn't have to think this time. He was throwing himself head first off the cliff into the deep that he'd been avoiding ever since he'd been ill. He was sick of being careful. He was sick of 'not pushing himself'. He was sick of existing, he wanted to live.

"That would be more than ok, Sam. That would be wonderful."


	2. Chapter 2

"Gabe? Gabriel?"

Charlie's concerned voice shook Gabriel from his mind, and he sat bolt upright. She was looking at him with wide eyes and he mentally groaned, knowing that he was in for an interrogation. That was the third time he'd almost dropped off to sleep in a hour.

"Gabe, what's the matter? Are you having trouble sleeping again?" She said nervously, leaning forward over the table. She reached out a hand and pressed it to his forehead. "Are you sick?"

Gabriel grumbled softly and pushed her hand away. He was completely awake now and he didn't like it. "I'm always sick, Charlie. And no, I'm not having trouble sleeping. I've been sleeping a whole lot more than usual actually."

Charlie frowned at him. "Gabriel you know oversleeping is a bad sign. if your symptoms are getting worse..."

Gabriel stood up abruptly and walked calmly to the fridge, pulling out two beers and handing one to Charlie. "If we're having this conversation then I'm gonna need a drink." He explained, sitting down again with a sigh. "No, my symptoms aren't getting any worse. Not really anyway. I've just had a really busy time lately and I'm really, really tired as a consequence."

For a moment, Charlie was silent, seeming to accept this explanation. She tilted her head and looked at him. "You're still seeing Sam, then?"

Gabriel clenched his teeth and ignored Charlie in favour of his beer. He didn't want to talk about this, least of all with Charlie. She's blow it all out of proportion and make it into some huge thing.

"Yeah, I'm still seeing Sam. We have coffee, sometimes lunch when he's not too busy. Sometimes we go to the park. He likes to walk and get the fresh air. So?" He ground out, avoiding her eyes religiously.

"He knows you're sick, right?" Charlie asked softly. "Because it sounds like you're doing a lot all of a sudden."

Gabriel glared at her. He knew he was being unreasonable about this, but she'd hit a sore spot. "How could he not know that I'm ill? It couldn't be more obvious. And yes, I'm doing a lot more than I used to, but you're always telling me I should get out more." His fingers scrabbled irritably at the label on the bottle. He hated having these conversations, he hated talking about his condition like this. He hated the fact that he had to talk about it.

Charlie didn't respond for several moments, but when she did her tone was soft and gentle. "As your friend, I'm really glad to see you getting out more and living a little. It hurts me to see you lead such a limited life when I know you could be doing so much. I'm glad you've found a friend and I'm glad that he makes you happy. But as a health professional I have to tell you that you're doing too much, and that if you carry on like this you're going to set yourself back." She reached for his hand across the table and took it gently.

"I know." Gabriel said miserably. "I know I'm doing too much. But I can't help it. I just want to be normal for once. Is that too much to ask?"

"No, it's not Gabe. I'm sorry that this is the way your life is. If I could make things better for you, I would, in a heartbeat. But you know this is the way it is." She was quiet a few more minutes. "From what you've told me, Sam sounds like a really good guy. I think you should talk to him and tell him that you're struggling. Tell him that you still want to hang out, but that you need to limit your activity level."

Gabriel looked at her helplessly. She was right, of course. He needed to slow things down. And the chances were that Sam would be willing to accommodate him.

Gabriel clenched his fist and took a heavy breath. He didn't want it to be like this. He wanted a normal relationship with another person. He didn't want Sam to have to change for him. It wasn't right.

"I'll think about it." He promised Charlie, after a little while of silence. "I can't guarantee what I'll decide, but I'll think about it at the very least."

 

When Gabriel met up Sam three days later, he'd made up his mind to take Charlie's advice. He knew she was right and she'd only go on at hm about it anyway so he might as well do it. If Sam decided that he didn't want to know Gabriel anymore, it would be just too bad.

Sam chattered on about a TV show his brother had managed to get him obsessed with, and Gabriel stayed mostly quiet. This wasn't anything out of the usual, Sam often did most of the talking. Mostly because Gabriel had no life. And he'd forgotten how social interaction really worked.

He waited until the end of their coffee meeting before speaking to Sam about his problem. He wanted to savour the few moments they had together just in case Sam decided that he was completely, unredeemingly boring and that he never wanted to speak to him again.

He was about the launch into his preplanned speak when Sam interrupted him with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, Gabe. I, uh. I wanted to ask you something and I need to do it before I completely lose my nerve and run away."

Gabriel tilted his head curiously and closed his mouth obediently. He could wait a little longer anyway, and now he was curious as to what Sam had to say to him. Sam was fiddling with his mug and shuffling in his seat.

"Okay, okay. I've been meaning to ask you this for a while but I couldn't get my courage up so um... Just bare with me? Because I'm super nervous." Sam took a huge deep breath and leant forward a little. "I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me? On a date?"

Gabriel swallowed, body stiffening up in shock for several moments. He couldn't actually believe what he'd heard. Had Sam seriously just asked him out on a date?

"Do... Do you think you could repeat that for me? Just... just so I can make sure I actually heard that right and that I'm not just dreaming." He gasped. Sam gave him a weak smile and nodded.

"You heard me right, Gabe. I'd really like to take you out on a date. If you want to?"

Gabriel was mute for several more seconds, and Sam's face began to fall. But before he could say a word and take it all back, Gabriel held out a hand to stop him.

"I'm sorry Sam, this is just a lot to take in. I... I mean for a start, why on earth would you want to go out with me?" He shook his head, trying to wrap himself around the idea. It didn't make any sense. But Sam just smiled and reached for his hand. Their fingers touched, Sam's warm finger engulfed Gabriel's sweat damp palm.

"You have no idea how attractive you are Gabriel. There is nothing about you that isn't beautiful or smart or funny. You're like a goddamn breath of fresh air." He squeezed Gabriel's hand gently. "I know you think you're going nowhere and I understand why. But I would be absolutely honoured to show you that your life isn't over yet. That you can be and do so much more. I want you to see yourself the way I see you."

"You're making an offer I can't refuse." Gabriel said weakly, with a tiny smile. He looked down at their joined hands. "I'd love to go on a date with you Sam."

Sam's face lit up with joy, eyes crinkling up gently and dimples showing. Gabriel couldn't help but smile dreamily back at him. There was so much life in that smile. Gabriel was caught like a moth to a flame.

Of course, he completely forgot what he’d been about to say to Sam. And anyway, he didn’t want to put Sam off him. It wasn’t like he needed another reason to think that Gabriel was sad and boring.

They spent the rest of the coffee date holding hands, which was really nice. It was the kind of thing Gabriel had really missed - life’s little intimacies. His heart did strange, wonderful things whenever their fingers touches together, and by the time they left to go home, Gabriel’s mind felt full of warmth and love. Because apparently Sam could do that to him.

 

Blog Post 83:

_Hey everyone,_

_It's been a hectic few weeks and I feel like I've just stepped out a tornado. My brain is going at a million miles an hour, everything looks blurry and brightly coloured and I keep wanting to cry. It's like one constant sensory overload._

_In other words; I feel pretty shitty. It's not even the physical aspect at this point. It's a mental thing. So much as happened in such a short space of time I'm having a lot of trouble dealing. I'd like to try and work some of my thoughts out here, maybe get some advice from you guys. Because I'm at a complete loss._

_I haven't been in a relationship for seven years, since I got ill. I've hooked up with a few people via the internet. Which was sort of a mixed experience. On the one hand there was no commitment, just one night of fun which made life a tiny bit more bearable. But on the other hand I ended up having some pretty weird conversations about my illness. Several people just... stopped talking to me when they found out I was sick (which I suppose is semi-understandable...) and some of them just came out with some really strange responses._

_There was one particular guy I was talking to on this dating app. He was cute, he seemed nice. I brought up the fact that I was ill (I like to let people know ASAP so they don't feel betrayed when I suddenly spring it on them) and explained to him what it meant. And he said:_

_'Awww. Maybe I can make you feel better ;)'_

_This response was harmless but... odd? I really didn’t know what he meant. Did he think his magic dick was going to cure me? Did he just... not know what else to say? I don't know. But I think that one response pretty much sums up my dating experience with CFS. Weird._

_In an ideal world, I would love to be in a relationship. I'm in my thirties. Before I got ill, I saw myself settled down by this point. Obviously that hasn't happened but I still want it. I just don't know if it's a possibility._

_I met a guy recently. He's super sweet, kind, funny. Drop dead gorgeous, of course. He likes me, and he wants to go on a date. What I can't get my head around is why. He's a catch, and I'm so obviously not. It confuses the hell out of me._

_I don't want to start a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. I don't him to suddenly decide that he can't cope with having a sick boyfriend. I'm afraid that that's exactly what's going to happen._

_Tl;dr, I met a cute guy and now I'm freaking out. Please send help._

_Sorry for the introspective rant, much love to you all._

_Gabriel._

  
Gabriel hit post and rubbed his temples, trying to allay the build up of an inevitable headache. He was tired, he wanted to go to sleep. But his mind was whirling away at 90 miles a minute. Thinking about Sam.

Gabriel flopped face first onto his bed, burying his face in a fluffy pillow with a sigh. He didn't know what to do. Originally of course, his first thought had been to accept Sam's invitation and go out with him on a date. But he'd had time to think about it now, and he was beginning to think that he'd made a wrong move.

Sam had done a pretty good job of convincing him of his feelings. Gabriel had no doubt that Sam liked him, wanted him even. But how long would that affection last? How long would it take for Sam to get sick of him?

Gabriel huffed and picked his laptop up, balancing it before him on the bed. He checked his blog for comments and was surprised to see that several had already popped up.

'GO FOR IT GABE! YOU'RE A CATCH AND ANY MAN WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!!!!!'

'I really hope you decide to go for this relationship. You deserve the best'

'Please do it! Don't overthink it!'

'Relationships and chronic illness are tough and I understand your reluctance. But I think you should do this. Chances are, it will all turn out for the best'

Gabriel hid a smile behind his hand at the sight of those comments. Perhaps they were right, perhaps he should just go for it. When would he have another opportunity like this? Possibly never.

Gabriel closed his laptop and reached for his phone, sending off a text to Charlie.

'Come over. I need help choosing an outfit'.

If nothing else he at least deserved a nice night out.


	3. Chapter 3

Gabriel was ready and waiting when Sam’s car pulled up outside his house. He was casually dressed in black jeans and a green linen shirt. He had a warm black hoody over his arm in case he got cold, and a small backpack containing his emergency medication, wallet and phone. He was ready for an evening out - Well, as ready as he possibly could be in the circumstances.

Sam pulled up in a nice black car, right outside Gabriel’s house. He got out of the car with a smile and they shared a hug. Gabriel enjoyed having Sam’s arms wrapped around him a lot more than he’d ever care to admit. When he was finally released, he took a step back and looked at Sam. He looked seriously incredible and suddenly Gabriel felt very small, and very inadequate.

Somehow, Sam seemed to sense this, and took his hand. “You look wonderful.” He said, taking Gabriel’s hand to his lips and kissing the tips of his fingers. Gabriel couldn’t help smiling in response.

“So where are we going?” He asked, as he climbed into the passenger seat beside Sam, balancing his bag on his knees. He was genuinely excited - Sam had refused to even hint about where they might be going. Even now, he simply gave Gabriel a smile and tapped the side of his nose.

“You’ll find out soon. And listen, I don’t want you over stretching yourself tonight, ok? So if you start to feel really tired just let me know. I want this to be good for both of us.”

Gabriel smiled softly at Sam as they pulled out of his driveway and onto the road. “I really appreciate that Sam. I promise I’ll let you know if I get tired out.”

Sam nodded, seemingly satisfied, and they were quiet for the rest of the journey. They drove out of town, out of the suburbs, until they were almost on the edge of the country. The landscape changed and Gabriel began to see fields, freshly harvested and wide open. He stared out of the window almost in wonder. It had been so long since he’d been out this far.

They drove a little longer until Sam turned off and drove down a dirt track, taking a left into a field. Gabriel’s eyes lit up as he saw where they were.

There were lots of other cars parked up around the field, and people milling around everywhere. A huge screen had been set up at the other end of the field and people were sitting around on picnic blankets.

“Oh, Sam.” Gabriel whispered. “This is perfect. I never even imagined...” he turned to Sam with a huge smile, almost bouncing in his seat. He felt genuinely energised. Sam was smiling back at, looking relieved.

“I’m so glad you like it. I was a little worried that you’d think it was dumb...” He blushed. “I remember you mentioning that you haven’t been to the movie’s for a long time, and I thought this would be better than a theatre. We can leave whenever you need to and we won’t be bothering anyone, and you won’t have to sit still the whole time...”

Gabriel couldn’t resist it anymore. He leaned across the gear stick and threw his arms around Sam. “Thank you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you what this means to me. Nobody’s ever bothered to think so hard about me before.”

Sam hugged him tightly before pulling away, a huge smile on his face. “You deserve this, Gabriel. I just want you to be happy.”

Gabriel’s eyes were a little misty, and he squeezed Sam’s hand once. “I haven’t been this happy for so long. I’d almost forgot what it felt like.” He blinked heavily. “Come on. Let’s get out of here before I make a fool of myself and try to kiss you or something.”

“I wouldn’t complain.” Sam said with a cheeky smile, but he climbed out of the car, hurrying around the Gabriel’s side and opening the door for him. Gabriel climbed out slowly and leaned up against the bonnet. He felt almost like a normal person without his wheelchair and it was a little disconcerting.

Sam was rooting around in the trunk, and he eventually emerged with an armful of blankets, pillows and a large cooler. Gabriel couldn’t help the way he giggled at the sight of him.

“I’m getting de javu for the first time we met.” He said through his chuckles, grabbing two pillows from the top of the pile as they slowly made their way towards the screen to claim a good spot.

“So what are we seeing?” Gabriel asked, helping Sam spread the blankets out. He didn’t really care what the movie was, he’d be happy with pretty much anything. Sam gave him a conspiratorial grin.

“Well, you mentioned being a sucker for a romantic classic...” Gabriel groaned softly, beginning to wish that he hadn’t spilled all his biggest secrets to Sam. Romantic movies were his guilty pleasure.

“Letters to Juliet.” Sam finally said, after a few moments of wheedling from Gabriel. And Gabriel’s eyes lit up.

“Seriously? My absolute all time favourite movie? Sam, I’m beginning to think you have some kind of super power. It’s a little scary!”

Sam blushed and shrugged, handing Gabriel a bag of popcorn with a smile. “Maybe I do. Maybe I just went as far as I possibly could without actually stalking you, to make sure you have the best time tonight. I’m not telling.”

“Well, whatever it is... I want you to know that I’m already having an amazing time.” He leaned across and pressed a tiny kiss to Sam cheek, before turning away to arrange the pillows into a satisfactory position.

They settled themselves down on the soft blankets, getting comfy among the pillows. It was a little chilly, which gave them a perfect excuse to cuddle up. Gabriel soon had his head resting on Sam’s chest with their legs tangled comfortably together.

“Just tell me if you need to move, ok? Or if you need anything at all?” Sam murmured. Gabriel nodded and snuggled up close, eyes on the screen. He felt incredibly warm, safe and happy. And he didn’t think he could possibly feel bad but he seriously appreciated Sam’s words.

The movie started up and Sam hummed softly, running his hand slowly through Gabriel’s hair. It felt so unbelievably nice, if he hadn’t been fully concentrated on the movie he might have closed his eyes and taken a nap. He snuggled in further under Sam’s arm, making him chuckle softly.

“You sure are a cuddler, aren’t you?” He whispered under his breath. Gabriel just hummed softly in response. It had been such a long time since he’d had this level of human contact, and he wanted to enjoy every single second of it.

  
The two hours that they spent lying there together were some of the best Gabriel had ever experienced. Sam didn’t put pressure on him, didn’t try to talk or flirt or get him to fool around. To simply be cuddled, to watch one of his favourite movies, and occasionally feed Sam bites of popcorn, was heaven to Gabriel. He knew he’d be dreaming about the date for a very long time to come.

Sam drove him straight home from the movie, chatting lightly on the way about the film, and how he definitely hadn’t cried at any point, his face was just slightly damp because of the dew. Gabriel laughed at him, and was glad to simply have an opportunity to laugh. Sam didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

Gabriel wasn’t as tired as he had imagined he might be, but he was still pretty worn out. Sam seemed to understand this completely, simply walking him to the door, kissing his cheek, and promising to call him in the morning. He drove away smiling, and Gabriel got the distinct and rather wonderful feeling that that smile had something to do with him.

He flopped on his bed, still in his clothes, and stared up at the ceiling. Tired as he was he didn’t think he’d be sleeping any time soon. His mind was full of Sam (not for the first time). He wondered if Sam would want to see him again. And if so, what would happen? Would there be another date? Would Sam finally realise that Gabriel was boring and lifeless?

So many questions, and Gabriel didn’t think he wanted to answer any of them. He rubbed his eyes and tried to breath slowly, to soothe his aching head. To think about something else; what he’d have for breakfast, his next blog post. Anything.

His phone beeped softly from inside his bag and he sighed in relief. Something to distract him from the turmoil in his head would be incredibly welcome. He pulled it out, unlocked it, and read the text.

‘Hi gabe! How was the date??? Text me back if you’re not already asleep!!!!’  
\- Charlie

Gabriel smiled softly and rolled his eyes. Charlie, of course, had decided that Sam and Gabriel were the twenty-first century’s greatest love affair, and that she would do everything possible to make their dreams come true. Gabriel found this both sweet, and rather annoying.

‘It was good. We went to an open-air movie show. Very romantic, he was a gentleman - i think he had a good time??’  
\- Gabriel

‘Awwwwwww. Did you have a good time tho?? Will you see him again?’  
\- Charlie

It took Gabriel more than a minute to come up with a reply to her question, but he was smiling as he typed it.

‘Yes i did. And i think i will. If he wants to see me’  
\- Gabriel  
-

The next day, Gabriel spent the morning in bed. He texted Sam on and off, chatting about the weather and exchanging some terrible puns. Gabriel felt pretty miserable, as he always did when he ended up having to lie in bed for too long, but somehow talking to Sam made it a tiny bit more bearable.

When he felt a little better, he brought up his blog page on his laptop. There had been a few more comments on his last post, mostly encouraging him to do what he felt was right, and a few telling him to be careful. Gabriel lingered over these a while, wondering if perhaps he was aiming for too much from his life. Sure, Sam was being incredible - Gabriel couldn’t have asked for more from him. But what would happen if things got serious? Would Sam want to move in with him? Or would he find the prospect too daunting? Would he worry that he would end as Gabriel’s carer, rather than his lover?

Gabriel shook his head. He was getting ahead of himself. And he was also projecting his own worries onto Sam. For now, he needed to focus on the present. They had only been on one date, after all.

After a few more minutes of thought, Gabriel decided that he needed to bite the bullet. If he didn’t do this now, he’d never do it. So he pulled out his phone and began to tap out a text.

‘Hi Sam. Was wondering if you’re free on Thursday for dinner? If it’s ok with you I’d like to stay in and I can cook a mean fettuccine’  
\- Gabriel

He sent the text before he chickened out and waited anxiously for several minutes. Sam’s reply came through with a buzz and Gabriel’s hands almost trembled as he raised the phone to read the message.

‘Sounds brilliant. I’ll bring wine, is seven ok for you?’  
\- Sam

Gabriel smiled and cradled the phone to his chest for a moment. He felt as though he’d done something worth doing - and in his life, that meant a lot. He quicker tapped out a reply with a smile still firmly fixed on his face.

‘Perfect.’  
\- Gabriel


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is heavy on the angst, so please look after yourselves.

Gabriel knew it was going to be a bad day the moment he woke up.

He was curled on his side, with the blanket pulled up over his face, with just the top of his head sticking out. Even so, he was freezing cold and physically shivering. He tried to move, to pull the blankets further around his body. But his limbs were heavy and refused to cooperate. The sun coming through the blinds was infiltrating his eyes and making him flinch.

His legs were burning, and the muscles felt as though they had been physically liquified. He clenched his eyes shut against the pain and the brightness of the light. He was breaking out in a cold sweat and it was getting to draw in each breath with out crying out.

Gabriel gritted his teeth. It had been weeks, months since he’d had a day like this. With a huge effort, he lifted a trembling hand from under the blankets and fumbled blindly for the painkillers on the bedside table. They were the only thing that would help him now.

Tears were running down his face by the time he managed to sit up and take the pill with a sip of stale water. His pain tolerance was a lot better than it had been in the beginning - but in the beginning he’d had Charlie around to help out. He was seriously tempted to call her, and he knew for a fact that she’d come running. But he didn’t want to see the sadness in her eyes.

The pills made him incredibly drowsy, almost within minutes. It was a relief as sleep began to suck him under again. He sniffled softly into his pillow and concentrated on pulling in breath after breath. The pain faded away, and so did his consciousness.

  
There was a text waiting for him when he woke up, three hours later. It was almost noon and the light was pouring through the curtains. Thankfully it didn’t burn as badly as it had done earlier. Gabriel struggled into a sitting position, pulling the blanket around him like a shield. His muscles were weak and trembling, refusing to hold his weight properly, and he had to lean back against the headboard to keep himself upright.

His eyes didn’t want to focus on the words of the text message and his vision kept swimming. Eventually he managed to get the gist of the message, and was able to put his phone down on the mattress and close his eyes.

‘Hey Gabe, I hope you’re doing ok. Just checking that we’re still good for this evening. Let me know if you’re not up to it and we can reschedule - it’s absolutely not a problem.’  
\- Sam

Gabriel sighed and dragged his hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes. He knew he should text Sam back and cancel their date. He knew that Sam wouldn’t be disappointed in him. He knew that Sam would probably offer to come around and take care of him.

But he didn’t want to cancel.

When was the last time he’d actually had something good? Something that was purely his, for his own happiness. It had been years. And now he’d had a taste of what that kind of happiness was like, he couldn’t bear to give it up without a fight.

Tears were pouring down his cheek unbidden. He just wanted to have something. Something that would make his life worth living. Was that really so much to ask?

He picked up the phone again. His hands were trembling so badly it took him almost five minutes to type out a proper reply.

‘I’m not feeling great but want to go ahead. Might be a bit shitty tonight but i still want to see you’  
\- Gabriel

He took a few minutes, with his eyes firmly closed, just breathing in and out. Breathing could do wonders. Maybe if he spent the day resting, maybe if he didn’t push himself - maybe everything would be ok.

He knew he was being stupid. He knew he should reschedule with Sam. He knew he should call Charlie. He also knew that there was no way he’d be better by the time Sam came over at seven.

He knew; but he suddenly found for the first time in years that he honestly, truly, didn’t care.

He dragged himself out of bed. His legs were too weak to do anything on their own, and he found himself crawling across his bedroom and down the hallway to the bathroom. It was humiliating- and incredibly painful. He had to sit on the cold bathroom floor, trying to recover his breath, for almost ten minutes.

Wiping a cool cloth across his face helped, and made him feel almost human. He sat on the edge of the toilet seat and forced his body to work. By the time he’d washed, cleaned his teeth and combed his hair, he was trembling too badly to hold anything. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the bathroom tiles. He was exhausted already, his mind and body were begging him to go back to bed. But he couldn’t give up like this.

He tried to block out his thoughts as he crawled painfully back to his bedroom, dressed himself in a tshirt and sweats, lay on the floor sobbing, and wished he was dead. He didn’t allow himself to think as he dragged himself along the corridor again. Down the stairs, shuffling along like a toddler. He would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so busy sobbing his eyes out.

His wheelchair was waiting for him next to the front door. He heaved himself up in the seat and clung desperately to its familiar, solid presence. He’d reached his first goal. As he began to push himself slowly along the corridor to the kitchen, he caught sight of his face in the mirror. He looked like somebody had sapped every ounce of life out of his face, and left a pale mask in its place. He quickly looked away.

He stared at the cooking ingredients on the counter for a long time. Finally, he pulled out his phone and began to slowly text Sam again. He couldn’t face cooking, not now. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely hold the phone in his hand, let alone prepare a semi complicated pasta dish with no assistance.

‘Really sorry but do you mind if I order pizza instead of cooking? Don’t really feel up to it. If it’s a problem just let me know.’  
\- Gabriel

He sighed deeply and rested his forehead against the cool counter. His eyes were closing of their own accord even though he’d barely got up an hour ago. He hated himself, hated his body and his weakness. He hated that he was letting himself down again. With a sigh, he forced himself into an upright position and fiddled with his phone.

‘Not a problem at all!! You sure you’re up for tonight?’  
\- Sam

It was sweet of Sam to act so concerned. He was so understanding. Gabriel didn’t know how to react; he was almost used to being pushed aside and trampled over. Most people were selfish, and with good reason. Most people put their own problems first.

‘Idk’  
‘It’ll be fine’  
‘Don’t worry’  
\- Gabriel

He typed noncommittally. He didn’t want to admit to Sam (or himself) that he really wasn’t up for it.

‘You don’t sound sure?’  
\- Sam

Gabriel snorted. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been sure about anything. He kind of hated that Sam was calling him out on it. He was tempted to tell Sam that he was absolutely fine; that there was no problem. But he knew he needed to be honest.

‘Gonna be honest. Feel like utter shit. Like, really bad’  
‘I’m sorry’  
‘I hate that I’m letting you down’  
\- Gabriel

Tears were crawling down his cheeks again and he pushed them away with an angry swipe that sent shockwaves of pain soaring through his system. He sobbed and covered his mouth, bending forward as he began to truly cry. He didn’t even hear the text notification that came moments later.

‘You’re not letting me down. I promise. Please don’t feel bad’  
‘Do you want me to come over now? I’m not working this pm’  
‘I’m worried about you. I’m coming over.’  
\- Sam

With a trembling hand, Gabriel finally got rid of the rest of his tears and read the messages. He swore softly. He didn’t want Sam to see him like this. He looked and felt like utter shit. It was too late, though. Sam was probably already on his way, and if Gabriel was truly honest with himself, he wanted Sam. They may have only known each other a few weeks but Gabriel was already addicted the comfort of Sam’s warm arms.

  
It took Gabriel a while to get to the door, then unlock it and let Sam in when he turned up a little while later. He refused to let up at the taller man; he didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes.

“Gabe... You really don’t look good.” He said softly. He must of noticed the way Gabriel’s hands were trembling on the wheels of his chair, because he laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Here. Give me your hands and I’ll carry you. You can’t go on like this.”

Gabriel was helpless to do anything else. He let Sam help him into a standing position, then he was swept tenderly up against Sam’s warm chest. Suddenly, the pain came rushing back, and he found he couldn’t fight it anymore. He buried his face against Sam’s shoulder and cried his heart out.

He was lying in his bed before he could realise what was going on. Sam was doing something by the window, blocking out the sunlight somehow. Gabriel wondered how on earth he knew what to do.

“Do you want to get undressed or are you ok?” Sam was by his side again, rubbing his shoulder with the tenderest hand. Gabriel didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to open his eyes - he shook his head instead, and Sam seemed to understand. He pulled a thin blanket over Gabriel’s body and was lying behind him, one moment later. It wasn’t quite spooning (Gabriel was glad. He wouldn’t be able to stand the closeness), but Sam’s hand was resting on his hip. He was there. He was real.

“It’s alright.” Sam murmured to him. “I’m here. You can sleep easy.”

Gabriel sighed softly, trying to quiet his trembling muscles and his raging brain. Sam hushed him gently, murmuring sweet nothings that Gabriel couldn’t bring himself to understand even if he tried.

Oblivion sucked him under in minutes.

  
It was blissfully dark when he woke up. His brain felt fogged over but the pain had subsided, and he was able to raise his head a few inches off the pillow for a moment. He’d forgotten about Sam - forgotten how on earth he’d managed to get into bed again - and it wasn’t until he heard the other man’s soft voice that he remembered all of a sudden.

“Hey. Glad you’re awake. How’re you feeling?” He asked. He was still lying behind Gabriel - apparently he hadn’t moved once in all that time. Waves of guilt rushed over Gabriel’s body and he had to fight down nausea.

“Shit.” He grunted honestly, resting his head down on the pillow again. He couldn’t find the energy to roll over and face Sam. He didn’t want to, anyway.  
“How did you know what to do, earlier? You just... did it all without me asking...”  
He asked softly after a few moments. He heard Sam shift and sigh behind him.

“I did some research about your condition a while ago. I thought it might come in handy if you ever needed me, and I didn’t want to be caught short in an emergency. If we’re going to date then I’ll need to know how to help.”

Gabriel knew he was being stupid, but Sam’s words made him irrationally angry. Sam was supposed to be his boyfriend (not yet, but some day, maybe...), not his nurse. It felt so wrong to know that Sam had felt the need to research.

“You shouldn’t have had to do that.” He said softly. “That’s not your job.”

“Maybe not. But I’m glad I did.” Sam replied. “Do you need anything? Water, or a heat pack? More painkillers?” He was being kind. Too kind. It smelt a bit too much like pity to Gabriel.

“I’m fine.” He mumbled. He was already shutting Sam out. He hadn’t made a conscious decision but he knew it was the right thing to do. He couldn’t let Sam do this to himself. He rolled over, closing his eyes against the pain, and faced Sam. He wished he could have this conversation standing up - he’d feel a bit more confident. Instead he was stuck floundering on his back like a dying bug.

“I can’t do this, Sam.” He said quietly. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I can’t date you. Not like this.”

He felt bad. Like he was kicking a puppy or something equally terrible. Sam’s face had crumpled up into confusion, distress, hurt. Any number of emotions that Gabriel didn’t want him to feel.

“Are you- Are you breaking up with me? Gabe... we’re not even together yet! You haven’t even given us a chance!”

“I don’t want to give us a chance.” Gabriel said bluntly. He was so tired. Too tired to try and let Sam down easily.

Sam began to talk again - something about how Gabriel was tired, and sick, how he didn’t know what he was saying - and Gabriel didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t let Sam try and persuade him.

“I know what I’m doing.” He said, keeping his face blank. “And you’ll thank me for it in the long run. You don’t want me in your life. You think you do, but you don’t. I don’t want to see you learn your lesson. You’ll hate me and you’ll resent me, and I can’t let that happen. You need to leave now.” He sucked in a breath, because he could see the tears in Sam’s eyes and it hurt so damn badly. “Please just go.”

He didn’t see Sam quietly sit up and get off the bed. He didn’t see him cross the room and turn to leave. He didn’t see Sam look over his shoulder. He didn’t see the heartbreak framing his beautiful features. At least, that’s what he told himself.

“Is there somebody I can call?” Sam asked quietly. His voice sounded so different - hollow, and afraid. “You shouldn’t be alone now. You friend - Charlie? Can I call her.”

Gabriel closed his eyes and pain washed over him. It was different kind of pain now. It was guilt and regret and another broken dream.

“Yeah. Please.” He croaked. Sam nodded.

“I’ll... I’ll just do that, then I’ll go. I’m sorry, Gabriel.”

He spoke so softly that Gabriel barely heard. He wished so badly he hadn’t heard. But he did. And the grief that shattered through his body was worse than all the pain in the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I warn you: this chapter is completely unedited. It also mostly explores feelings and there’s little or no plot movement. Sorry!

It took a week of solidly lying down and trying to keep warm for Gabriel to recover somewhat. He still felt twinges of sharp pain and flashes of deep exhaustion but he was more of less recovered. Charlie stayed with him as much as she possibly could. Gabriel wished she wouldn’t hover around him so much when he was perfectly capable of sitting around and recovering on his own. Still, he didn’t send her away. Most of the time he was glad of the company and the distraction she provided. Plus she had a great collection of Disney movies which she brought with her every time she came.

They were sitting together watching Tangled when she finally brought the subject up. Gabriel had his legs up and a pillow under his knees. He felt quite warm and comfortable - not at all ready to have a serious confrontation about his now non-existent love life.

Charlie poked his ribs gently and made him look at her, which he did rather reluctantly. She was looking with her big, gentle eyes and he knew he was in for a seriously emotional conversation. He groaned.

“Charlie, I know what you’re going to say. Can we just assume that you’ve said it and I’ve listened very nicely but decided not to take your no doubt very valid advice already?” Gabriel knew that nothing remotely like that was going to happen but at least he could say he’d tried. Charlie fixed him with a glare and shook her head. She grabbed his hand and threaded their fingers, gaze turning sad all over again.

“We’re having this conversation whether you like it or not Gabe. I just want to know what on earth was going through your head that day! Why did you break up with Sam without even giving him a proper chance?”

Gabriel stared moodily down at their joined hands. “It was the right thing to do. I was saving him a whole lot of pain and misery in the long run. I’m sure he’s already glad that I ended it. He would have had to do it himself otherwise and that would have made him feel guilty. I didn’t want that.”

“How can you know that that would have happened?” Charlie asked. “He liked you Gabe. He wanted you. Otherwise he wouldn’t have come over and helped you when you needed it. He wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place!”

“He came over because he felt sorry for me.” Gabriel said firmly. “He sees me as an invalid just like everybody else! I can’t date somebody who only wants me because looking after me makes them feel good about themselves.” He closed his eyes - partly because he was tired and partly because he could feel tears building and he’d promised himself he wouldn’t cry over this.

Charlie squeezed his hand gently. “I understand Gabe. I really do. But I think you’re wrong. I don’t believe that Sam pities you. I certainly don’t believe that he was dating you for any other reason than that he really, really liked you.” Gabriel cracked open his eyes and looked at her in disbelief. He shook his head.

“Why did he research my condition? I didn’t ask him to do that! I’m not a fucking school project!” He squeezed his eyes shut again. He was getting angry, and getting angry never made anything better. Charlie rubbed her thumb over his knuckles, calming him a little. He squeezed her hand apologetically.

“I know you hate to admit it but Gabe... your condition is part of who you are. There’s no escaping from that no matter how much you want to.” She sighed softly. “I don’t think he meant any harm, you know. I think he just wanted to know what your life is like. He wanted to try and help you in any way that he could.”

Gabriel swallowed down the rush of emotion that flooded through him. He refused to look at Charlie because if he did he was pretty sure he’d end up crying his eyes out. Part of him knew that what she was saying was probably right. Part of his wanted to believe her and chase after Sam. But that part of him just wasn’t strong enough.

He was crying. And he couldn’t stop himself. “It’s too late Charlie.” He whispered hoarsely. “Even if you’re right, even if he did want me... It’s too late. I sent him away and now he won’t want to know me.” He took a deep breath and dashed away the tears on his cheeks. His shoulders slumped and he pulled the sleeves down over his hands. “It’s for the best, like I said. In the end he would’ve realised that I wasn’t worth his time.”

“I’m sorry if that’s how you feel.” Charlie said softly. “I can’t tell you that you’re right or wrong. I personally think you’re making a mistake but you have to do what feels right. And if this is it, if you feel like what you’re doing is right, then I respect your decision. And I’m here for you.”

Gabriel nodded and sat up, leaning against Charlie’s shoulder for a moment. She put her arms around him and held him tight for a few moments. He smiled slightly and pulled away.

“I think I’ll go to bed now. Thanks for coming over again. It’s good of you to be here for me even though I’m miserable.”

Charlie shook her head and smiled softly. “All the more reason for me to be here for you Gabe. You’ll be ok, I know you will. You’re a lot stronger than you think.”

Gabriel struggled to his feet and smiled weakly. “Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just a coward and you’re too kind to see it. It doesn’t really matter.” He wrapped his arms around his body and began to slowly make his way up towards his bedroom. Charlie would make her own way out.

He would have turned around to say goodbye, but he couldn’t bear to see her face. He knew she pitied him, no matter how many times she told him otherwise. Usually he could deal with her pity, but tonight it was just too much. He was done. Just done.

 

“Hello everybody! Great to see so many of you back again, and a few new faces too. As you can see, I’m in bed again. It’s been a bit of a rough few weeks but I’m feeling a bit better now.” Gabriel smiled at the camera and stretched a little bit.

“So, let’s get some questions going! Hit up the chat with anything you want me to answer. Hopefully I’ll be able to give you some satisfactory answer - no promises, though!” He grinned and turned to look at the chat, scrolling down. His smile faltered slightly as he saw that all the questions were pretty much along the same lines. He forced himself to smile again and turn back to camera.

“Wow. Looks like you guys are all on the same page.” He sighed softly. “Ok, if you insist. Err... Most of you have asked whether I eventually decided to go ahead and go on a date with that guy I talked about a few blog posts ago.” Gabriel looked down, fiddling with the keys of his laptop. “Well, we did go on a date. It was really nice, and uh, he was pretty amazing.” He had to close his eyes for a moment to stop them from welling up with tears. He wasn’t going to cry on a live steam, damnit.

“We were going to have a second date but I got really ill. The worst I’ve been for a long time. He came over and helped me out. I was feel awful and I... I decided that I couldn’t carry on dating him. I knew he’d get sick of me eventually anyway, and I decided that it was better to end it before it got serious. I probably hurt his feeling and I’m sorry for that, but it was for the best. And I don’t regret it.”

Gabriel lifted his chin and looked defiantly at the camera. He didn’t regret what he’d done, not really. It was for the best. No matter how many hours of sleep he lost thinking of how things could have been.

He glanced across at the chat and groaned inwardly. It was full of supportive messages, people telling him they were sorry, people telling him that he was an idiot - Gabriel shook his head and turned away. “Thanks, guys. It mean a lot to know that you’re here for me. But, uh. I think I’d prefer to move on from this conversation.” He gave a weak smile to the camera. “Tune in next week and maybe you’ll get a new update on my non-existent love life.”

The rest of the stream went by smoothly, although Gabriel felt a little drained and his energy levels were less than usual. When it was over, he shut down the camera and sat with his laptop balanced on his knee, staring at all the messages from his viewers. He began to wonder if they were right. Was he being an idiot?

He shut the laptop down quickly and dumped it on the floor none too gently. Lying back on the pillows, he stared up at the ceiling. He twisted his fingers into knots and tried to close his eyes, but they just wouldn’t cooperate. He found himself staring blankly upwards, thoughts spiralling out of control within his head.

He’d wanted Sam so badly. But why? What had been the real reason for him saying yes to that date? Had it been Sam himself? Or something else?  
Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut and ground his teeth. He wasn’t going to think about that. He couldn’t let himself think about it.

And yet, his thoughts centred in on that one thought. Why had he agreed to go out with Sam?

Because for the first time in seven years, somebody had truly showed an interest in him for a reason other than his illness. Because Sam had looked past his condition and found the person within. Because Sam had truly enjoyed his company and truly wanted to get to know him.

Gabriel clenched his hands into fists. Sam had been the only person who was almost a complete stranger to treat him like a normal person with normal feelings.

And then, Sam had seen him at the very worst.

Gabriel had seen it in his eyes. The pity, the shame. Sam had begun to see him as everyone else saw him. A sick person, and only a sick person. Gabriel’s heart had shattered in that one moment. He couldn’t cope. He couldn’t let Sam stick around and pity him for a moment longer.

Gabriel missed him, now. Lying in the big cold bed and staring up at the wide open ceiling, thinking about Sam. He closed his eyes.

Needless to say, he didn’t sleep well that night.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the journey comes to an end. And what a journey it’s been!
> 
> I wanted to thank everybody for their support through this fic. Every kudos, every comment: it’s meant the world to me. I hope you’ve all enjoyed yourselves.
> 
> All my love.

The next morning, Gabriel stayed in bed late. He curled himself around his pillow and scrolled mindlessly through his twitter feed. He couldn’t really be bothered to get out of bed.

His sleep had been disturbed by dreams, thoughts, problems. He hadn’t had such a bad night for a long time. He knew what it was all about, he was no fool. He knew that the dominant thought was Sam. He couldn’t help himself.

He dropped his phone onto the bed with a deep sigh. He wasn’t even looking at it anymore and it was pointless, anyway. He couldn’t get Sam out of his head even if he tried.

He sat up and stared ahead at the wall for a minute, before swinging his legs out of the bed and standing up. He walked over to his closet and opened it up, staring at the clothes inside for a minute. Biting his lip, he pulled out a tshirt, and the black sweater he’d been wearing when he’d first met Sam. With a pair of dark jeans hanging over his arm, he walked purposefully in the direction of the bathroom.

He emerged nearly half an hour, dressed neatly, hair washed and combed, face cleanly shaven. He glanced in the mirror in the hallway as he went downstairs. He looked okay. A whole lot better than the last time he’d seen Sam.

He leant against the counter in his kitchen, fiddling with his phone. He couldn’t decide whether to phone Charlie and ask her for a lift, or to just get a taxi. In the end, he opted her for the latter. He couldn’t risk involving Charlie at this stage. He didn’t need her opinion adding to his problems.

He made himself some breakfast, but found it difficult to swallow the food down. His throat was dry and constricted with anxiety and he couldn’t bring himself to stomach the food. In the end he abandoned his breakfast and phoned the first taxi company which same up when he searched.

  
Gabriel thanked God for his dirty sense of humour, otherwise he never would have remembered the number of Sam’s apartment. As it was, he couldn’t bring himself to laugh as he approached number 69. He’d taken the stairs rather than the elevator, relishing the opportunity to waste some time taking longer breaks than were strictly necessary.

He stared at the door with apprehension. The longer he stared, the more his stomach churned and his hands shook. He suddenly felt even more drained that he had when he first woke up.

His hand rose slowly and made a fist, but he had to force himself to step forward and knock on the door. The sound reverberated through the empty hallway, and then there was only silence.

Gabriel waited a minute. And then another. The time brushed past him, dragging against his skin and scratching up his emotions. He looked down at his hands, and found that they were trembling.

Clearly Sam wasn’t in.

Gabriel sighed and turned away, keeping his head up and his eyes clear with sheer willpower. So he’d had a wasted journey. It was just too bad. He should’ve guessed that Sam would be out on a late Saturday morning.

He gave it another agonising minute then turned away. He approached the elevator, because suddenly the idea of stairs seemed like far too much to handle. He just wished that he’d told his taxi to wait for him.

The elevator had nearly arrived when Gabriel heard the door open behind him. He didn’t bother to turn around, expecting that it was just one of Sam’s neighbours collecting their mail. The elevator arrived and the doors open, and it was only when Gabriel stepped into the elevator and half turned around that he saw Sam.

Sam was there, staring right back at him, shock and awe and joy etched into his face all at once. He was clinging to a bath towel which he’d wrapped hurriedly around his waist. He wasn’t wearing anything else.

Before Gabriel could react or even do anything other than stare, the elevator doors began to close. That made him spring into action and he stepped forward, slipping through the gap in the doors. He thanked God he hadn’t come in his wheelchair or he’d have had no chance of getting out.

The elevator clunked confusedly, waiting for a few moments before closing its door the rest of the way, and departing downwards towards the main lobby. After it was gone, there was only silence. Gabriel had suddenly forgotten that speech, movement - even breathing - were human capabilities. He could only stare.

“It’s cold out here. I-I’d never noticed before.” Sam said quietly, and immediately turned bright red. Gabriel stared at him a moment longer before he began to laugh - louder, longer and with more life, than he had done in weeks.

“W-Well I’m guessing you don’t usually hang around out here wearing nothing but a bath towel.” Gabriel wheezed, after a minute of uproarious laughter that he just couldn’t bring himself to quell.

Sam cracked a smile. “No, I don’t.” He agreed. “Do you mind if we go inside? I’d like to put some clothes on.”

Gabriel smiled softly at Sam and nodded. “Yeah, I’d really like that.” He said softly. “Let’s go in.”

  
Fifteen minutes later, Gabriel was sitting with his feet up on Sam’s couch, drinking some surprisingly delicious green tea. Sam quietly had insisted that he sit down and rest before they talked - and while he went and put some decent clothes on.

Sam’s apartment was warm and full of light, and Gabriel had few complaints. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in the scent of Sam - something he’d missed without even realising it. By the time he’d opened his eyes again, Sam was standing in the doorway with his arms folded, smiling warmly. He was a wearing one of his many flannel shirts with a pair of black sweatpants. It was a surprisingly attractive combination.

“You ok?” Sam asked, moving from the doorway and sitting at the other end of the couch, next to Gabriel’s feet. He was still smiling, but it was slightly muted. Gabriel got the impression that a very important and emotional conversation was about to be had. He nodded, cradling his hot drink in his hands. He couldn’t quite bring himself to meet Sam’s eye, but he began to speak.

“I guess you’re wondering why I’m here.” He said softly. He saw Sam nod, and took a deep breath. “Well, for a start I wanted to apologise to you. My behaviour was inexcusable. I shouldn’t have taken my pain out on you. None of it was your fault and I know you were just trying to help. I’m sorry Sam.”

He looked up, and with some difficulty, met Sam’s eyes. Then he waited.

Sam crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. “You don’t need to apologise Gabe. You were in so much pain... I know you didn’t mean to be angry, and I understand why you said what you said. I pushed you too far and I should’ve known better.”

Gabriel gave a tiny smile. “You wanted to help me, I know that. I knew it at the time. I just... I had - have, actually, a lot of issues.” His eyes dipped down again and stared into the bottom of his mug. “I was afraid. I was afraid that you were just dating me because you felt sorry for me... and what’s worse is... I was afraid that I was just dating you because I was sad and lonely and wanted somebody for myself.”

Gabriel didn’t see Sam’s reaction to his words, but he could guess it wouldn’t be good. He felt Sam shift slightly - away from him.

“I know now that I was wrong.” He said hurriedly, before Sam could kick him out or something. “I missed you so damn much, Sam. Every single minute. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I-It was just the little things. The way you’d look at me, the way you’d laugh. Damn, the way you smelt. I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.”

Gabriel looked up, feeling a whole less brave than he ever had before. “I realised that I was falling for you - I think I knew it all along, deep down... But I was never sure until I was standing out there in the lobby just now, and you didn’t come to the door. I felt like my heart was breaking.”

Gabriel couldn’t read Sam’s face. He didn’t know what the other man was thinking. He could only look at him and hope. Hope that Sam didn’t hate him. Hope that Sam might actually feel the same.

He wasn’t expecting Sam to cry. He almost dropped his tea in shock as he saw Sam buckle over and start to sob. He quickly put his mug on the floor and inched his way over to Sam, putting an arm around him. Sam relaxed into his almost imperceptibly. Soon, he was looking up and wiping at his eyes, almost laughing.

“S-Sorry Gabe. I just... I didn’t expect that.” He sniffled. “I thought you came here to tell me that you just wanted to be friends. I’d prepared myself for that. I never even dreamed...” He looked at Gabriel with eyes full of tears and love. “I wanted you from the first moment we spoke. I’ve been falling in love with you for weeks. And I thought you’d never feel the same.”

Gabriel’s breath caught and his mouth fell slightly open. “You- what? Sorry... I think there’s something wrong with my ears... because I swear I just heard you say that you were falling in love with me.”

Sam smiled and caught his chin, pulling them eye to eye and smiling with his whole face. “I am in love with you. Even though you’re an idiot and you’ve put my heart through a sawmill.”

Gabriel grinned and leaned forward, planting a kiss on Sam’s lips before he could say another word.

When they pulled away breathless, Sam pulled Gabriel into his arms as gently as possible. Gabriel rested his head against Sam’s heart with a huge smile.

“I can’t pretend I won’t be an absolutely terrible boyfriend. As you’ve seen, I’m not the easiest person to be around. I wouldn’t blame you if you decided not to stick around. But if you do decide to stay, I can promise that I will do my best. I want us both to be happy.” He said softly, looking up at Sam with eyes full of adoration.

Sam looked back at him with a matching gaze and a smile that could light up the world. “Oh, I’m staying. You won’t get of me. Not now, not ever. I love you, Gabe.”

”And I love you.”

 

—A Few Months Later —

 

  
_Hey Everyone,_

_As some of you may know, today is a huge day for me. Today marks six months since my boyfriend Sam and I got together. It may not have been the easiest ride, but it has been such an absolutely wonderful journey and I wouldn’t change it for the world._

_It wasn’t easy for me to let Sam into my life. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Letting him in, letting him get to know me and see all of my flaws and my pains and my dreams. It’s a natural human instinct to want to be liked. And all I can say is that I am very, very human._

_We’ve had our issues, but Sam is my rock. He loves me despite everything he’s seen and heard. He had never once given up on me. He has given me everything he possibly could and I can honestly say that I don’t know what I’d do with out him._

_Sick people deserve love just as much as anybody else. For seven years of my life I denied my self the chance of happiness, because I couldn’t risk being pitied and rejected. Somehow I’d forgotten that there are good people - people who will always give you a chance. People who have the capacity to love, no matter how hard the path to happiness may be. I don’t think I’m alone in the fact that I didn’t want to take a risk. I didn’t think it was worth taking that leap of faith._

_But Sam had shown me that it is always worth it. Even if you don’t think so at the time, even if you’re scared. You might just find that you’re leaping right into the arms of the best damn thing to ever happen._

_Don’t lose hope. You deserve love, no matter where or who you are. There is somebody out there waiting for you._

_Gabriel._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! The next chapter is in progress and hopefully should emerge soon. In the meantime, I would highly value feedback: comments, questions or concerns!


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